Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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