wrigley field is MILF paradise
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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