So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
