Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
