then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
