he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
