Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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