I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
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