You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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