i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You are a genius and a whore.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
