There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize