I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
