you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
