his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
