I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
