nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
