New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
