I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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