trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
