Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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