We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
