I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
