The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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