I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
