There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
