: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
