The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
