Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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