Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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