Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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