I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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