i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize