dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
