My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
