It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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