After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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