She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
