he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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