god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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