i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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