there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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