from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize