hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
She told me I should be a condom model.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize