like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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