i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
