you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
