I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
