It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
