You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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