3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
