We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't deserve a penis
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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