Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
