Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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