If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
