with your own penis?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
