Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
