Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
