JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
