tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize