i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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