Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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