His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I AM VODKA MAN
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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