I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
