She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
